Zayah Uche
Even though the stated objectives of most businesses is to maximize profits by providing the best possible service or products to its customers, I have come to expect to be treated shoddily and possibly insulted whenever I intend to do business with most Nigerian organizations. And I do not think I am alone in this feeling. Somehow most people have come to expect bad service in most places which is why we are pleasantly surprised whenever we do get good service. Since I believe that customers do not just leave but are driven away, I have listed a few easy ways by which businesses can drive away their customers.
Blame it on the rain, the wrapping, or the Government: When customers return something they bought from you with a complaint; peer at them from underneath your browser for a couple of seconds without saying a word, examine the article thoroughly, then ask them in your best imitation of a headmaster's voice 'are you sure you bought this here? Did your dog chew on it, because these here look like dog teeth marks? Whatever you do, never accept the blame, and for good measure tell the customer that you are out of stock on that particular item and will replace it as soon as you restock. Never mind that the shelf behind you is packed with the stuff and the customer can see it.
Offer phantom freebies and promotions: Attach unrealistic conditions to your promotions. If you have one of those 'buy one get one free' offers, be sure that you are always out of stock. When customers come in, just put on your best smile, throw your hands up in mock exasperation and say 'sorry, that lady just walked out with the last one,' just be sure to always add to your promo adverts this qualification WHILE STOCKS LAST! You may also decide to give away stuff unconditionally for a couple of days, but make sure that the giveaways are really cheap and inferior stuff or totally out of fashion. Your customers will gladly reject them.
Treat your customers like they do not know what they want: If you do not have the exact thing a customer wants, offer her something else that is not even close to what she wants in either quality or value. If they decline, try to convince that the one they really want is no good which is why you never stock it. If this fails, give them a seat in your office and tell them to wait while you go find it. Then keep them waiting for ten minutes and when you finally return bring with you something similar to what they originally rejected and tell them it is the only stuff available in the market.
Take sides with your staff against your customers: If you happen to walk in on an argument between your staff and a customer, take sides with your staff. After all, customers come and go, but staff...that is a pain you have to live with. If a customer comes to you complaining about how they were treated by your staff, lean back in your easy chair, yawn, then give them the lowdown on all your problems. Make them understand that their minuscule complaint is the least of your troubles. They will never come complaining to you, ever!
Tell them to leave because you are about to go home: You know how on some days just as you are about to close shop, customers just seem to come rushing out from wherever they have been and keep you thirty minutes longer than you planned to stay. Well you no longer have to endure those inconsiderate 'so and so's,' just wear your best frown and tell them firmly “sorry you cannot stay, and I do not care if your baby has run out of diapers.” If they persist, let them in politely, then lock them in and go on happily to your home. Everybody gets what they want, problem solved.
Cheat them on price: The average person is very trusting and gullible, so when you first open shop, sell your goods at the most competitive prices in the neighborhood. When customers become comfortable with you, begin to inch your prices upwards without improving on quality or service. At the same time become even more aggressive in advertising your shop as the lowest-price-highest-value destination in town. Do not worry about their finding out, people are creatures of habit, once they start buying from you they will not think about your prices, they will just follow their instincts.
Offer the best products at the lowest prices and never let them forget it: Ensure that your shop is always stocked with the best range of products in any product class. Moreover, sell these products at the very best prices. Best value at the lowest prices, an unbeatable combination. But here is the best part, be a total jerk the total time! Let your customers never forget that you are doing them a favour, or that you are special...a gift of God to them. Make them wait, be abrupt when you speak with them and remind them that they can always go someplace else if they do not like your shop. Of course, you know they will not, after-all, you are the special one!
Be extremely business like with your customers: Do not treat them like friends. You know how some customers can begin to get familiar with a business owner, even stopping to say hello when they are not buying. Deal with the problem by never complimenting customers or smiling at them and if you happen to run into one of your customers in town, keep a straight face and be sure not to say 'hello’. This is guaranteed to stop even the most rabidly friendly customers. If it does not work, be mean to their children or their dog, that should get them.
Employ royalty as sales people and cashiers: Permit your staff to suck on lollipops or chew gum while speaking with your customers, they could even pop gum at the customer. If you have a television in the office, put it in a place where staff can get the best view, then let them control the television remote. Also let your staff get into fights and arguments between themselves and keep the customers waiting or better still let the customer get caught in the cross-fire. Your staff is your greatest asset, treat them like royalty.
Never answer the phones or attend to complaints: Have a big scarlet complaints box at your service points and encourage customers to leave any complaints they have in the box. Go even further and provide cards or forms to help customers inform you on the type of service they got but never attend to the complaints. If customers see a complaints box they are less likely to call and bother you with their insignificant grievances. Additionally, just to make your business appear trendy and up to speed, build a website complete with contacts details and all, but never answer that phone, in fact make sure the numbers on the website where delisted ages ago.
No comments:
Post a Comment